For the years we’ve been at this, I’m always searching for hints, clues, cosmic signs that This Is It. Or even This Is Meant To Be. Obviously, so far every time I’ve stumbled onto one, it slipped straight through my fingers into nothingness.
So I’m over it. No more looking for auspicious dates, unlikely ethnicities, particularly beautiful moons. From now on, just business. One foot in front of the other, and only one way to find out which way it will go, and that’s to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I’ve been taking patches and pills like they’re vitamins. I got on the plane like I was just going to visit my sister (which I am, among other friends). I’ll go to the clinic like I’m just getting a yearly exam. Whatever happens will happen, and all my sentimental voodoo won’t change it. So why bother when it just makes losses that much harder?
So now I’m kind of a zombie when it comes to this stuff — in a good way. As much as I can manage.
I guess this is my version of “Let go and let God”?
In Sacramento now. Lining check tomorrow. Last time it was a bit thin, so this time they put me on estrogen pills as well as patches, and for two extra days. Visiting two friends on Saturday in Berkeley and SF, another friend on Sunday in Los Altos (hopefully), another friend near Half Moon Bay on Monday, a day with friends in Palo Alto, a day trip to Monterey with my sister on Wednesday, and hopefully not too long afterwards it’ll be time to head back up to Sacramento.
Fingers not crossed. Just enjoying one day at a time.
UPDATE: Egg donor is apparently doing great with a scheduled retrieval on Sunday. My transfer — if all continues to go well — will be on Friday, July 7. Already bought my plane ticket home on Saturday for only 20k miles (plus a $75 fee since it’s less than 21 days until departure — didn’t realize that was a thing).
You know… I had a hope at one point that I’d have a baby on 7/7/17. Seemed auspicious somehow, with 17 being my lucky number since I was a kid.
Not that that means anything. Just a funny coincidence.