Well, I’m in California again. After another day of exhausting travel (up at 6:25am, first plane delayed so that I couldn’t relax and have lunch in Dallas, then another flight followed by two buses. The third bus didn’t show up, so I had to drag my luggage for 30 minutes to the clinic — including going under train tracks and over an interstate — and rocked up, sweating and out of breath, exhausted and starving, ten minutes late), I just wanted it to be good news.
But after two full weeks of estrogen patches (which I TOLD them didn’t work well for me last time), my lining was only at 7mm (should be at least 8, preferably 9) and not as beautifully trilaminar as it usually is — in fact you could barely see a pattern at all. They told me to start taking estrogen pills in addition to the patches and come back on Saturday, which means it doesn’t make sense for me to travel four hours to Palo Alto on Thursday and four hours back to Davis on Friday to stay overnight for my Saturday morning appointment.
It also means that if the estrogen pills don’t work… Well, they just take it one appointment at a time and never given me a heads up on the possible branching paths ahead. So I don’t know what will happen if things aren’t good. They seemed reasonably chipper that it’s all fine, but… especially after that last goddamn doctor in Istanbul, let’s just say I have some trust issues.
So I’m staying in this Holiday Inn Express for two more nights (great, another unexpected expense), alone, eating at restaurants, instead of staying with good long-time friends at their intentional community in Palo Alto and eating fresh healthy farmers market food with them. They have a piano and a workout room and yoga classes, and it’s just a bunch of really kind, cool people.
I was so looking forward to getting there and relaxing. I hate hotels. This one is pretty nice, and very friendly, but… yeah. You keep hoping after all these years, something will just go right. It’s hard not to feel that doom in your guts after you’ve endured so many failed cycles, so many heartbreaks.
And naturally it sent me to the internet to try to figure out what it all means. Some say the trilaminar pattern significantly increases your chances, others say that for Embryo Transfers (as opposed to IVF), it doesn’t matter that much. I’m trying to stay off Facebook for a while, but I went to the California Conceptions (closed) Facebook group to ask, and a couple of women said they had a similar issue and it worked out just fine.
It just sucks because I’ve never had lining issues before. It’s always been in my back pocket, just not an issue. But then we gave up on our own egg and sperm, and now suddenly my lining is marginal?
It’s a real kick to the gut.
I keep thinking I’m growing as a person through all this, but then some new unexpected bump in the road (mixed with travel exhaustion) saps all my positivity and leaves me feeling peevish and cornered and filled with doubt.
So my body is failing and my spirit is failing and maybe I should just take a nap, meditate, read some spiritually refreshing books, go for a walk, and hope I feel less like a steaming pile of failure after that.
(I really shouldn’t blog while exhausted.)
Oh, one little positive thing: I realized after the fact that I flew into California on the new moon and will fly out again when the moon is full. So that’s a little cosmic, isn’t it?