“Hopefully I can just smooth-sail through something for once.”
I really shouldn’t tempt fate that way.
All we wanted was one Mediterranean donor. But we went with the profile we were offered in large part because the egg donor was part Turkish (and we liked their personalities). I loved watching my husband’s face light up when he found out. He has so little to contribute physically to this process — at least his ethnicity could be represented. And I was happy she was part Egyptian, since my favorite place in the world is in Egypt and I speak some Arabic and would love to teach my kids and keep learning.
Now we have one Mexican donor and one from India, and it just seems completely random. When they get older and people start asking, “So, where are you from?” they won’t have a remotely simple answer.
“Well, I’m half Mexican and half Indian, and my mom is white and my dad is Turkish.”
It’s hard to know what ethnicity even means these days when people are scattered all over the world, including as shuffled egg and sperm combinations. It’s hard to know how to think about it. After all, why should I be more inclined to teach a child Arabic just because he or she has certain DNA?
They’ll probably have that ambiguously ethnic look that will fit in just about anywhere, from Brazil to Uzbekistan. They’ll fit in everywhere, but also not really anywhere. In a way they’ll have a clean slate. They can define themselves. Citizens of planet Earth. It won’t be all perfectly “normal,” and there will be challenges, but hopefully we can all face them and grow together.
For sure we’ll try to teach them Turkish, and maybe we can find a way to all learn Spanish together, too. (Ahmed and I have tried before, but we didn’t like Rosetta Stone.) Advanced Arabic (and Punjabi) may be beyond us, at least for a while, but I can teach them what Arabic I know.
Oh yeah, and I don’t know to what extent she was serious, but the new egg donor said her dream as a teenager was to be a professional soccer player and play in the Women’s World Cup. I don’t know if that was a daydream or something approaching a possibility, but it’s a nice touch. She also says she was good at math.
Anyway, long story short, my husband wants to go for it. Other than, ya know, ethnicity and personality (and age), the two egg donors really aren’t that different. And the donor coordinator said the new one has a similar facial structure to mine, and my coordinator says she feels good about it. As far as her family’s history of obesity and type II diabetes, if we eat healthy foods and keep active it should probably be OK.
Hell, like everyone says (including me), it’s such a crap shoot either way. There’s just no way to know in advance what the right choice is. Might as well take the path of least resistance, eh?
I just hope this is the last jarring shock. But no, I’m not going to hope that. I’m not going to hope anything. I’m just going to keep taking it one step at a time, and try to dispense with expectations as much as I can. They seem to cause a lot of psychological distress.
EDIT: One interesting thing is that there were two other recipients signed up to our original profile, and both of them accepted the new egg donor as well. I wonder what other kind of people don’t mind whether their child is half Arab/Turkish or half Mexican. They apparently aren’t signed up in any of the usual forums or groups, so I haven’t been able to get in touch with them. Maybe they don’t want to be in touch.
But I admit, I’m intrigued, and I’ve always hoped to be in touch with any genetic siblings out there, in case that kind of thing ends up being important to our kids. I really hope we can find a way to connect.