Que Sera Sera

“Hopefully I can just smooth-sail through something for once.”

I really shouldn’t tempt fate that way.

All we wanted was one Mediterranean donor. But we went with the profile we were offered in large part because the egg donor was part Turkish (and we liked their personalities). I loved watching my husband’s face light up when he found out. He has so little to contribute physically to this process — at least his ethnicity could be represented. And I was happy she was part Egyptian, since my favorite place in the world is in Egypt and I speak some Arabic and would love to teach my kids and keep learning.

Now we have one Mexican donor and one from India, and it just seems completely random. When they get older and people start asking, “So, where are you from?” they won’t have a remotely simple answer.

“Well, I’m half Mexican and half Indian, and my mom is white and my dad is Turkish.”

Say what?

It’s hard to know what ethnicity even means these days when people are scattered all over the world, including as shuffled egg and sperm combinations. It’s hard to know how to think about it. After all, why should I be more inclined to teach a child Arabic just because he or she has certain DNA?

They’ll probably have that ambiguously ethnic look that will fit in just about anywhere, from Brazil to Uzbekistan. They’ll fit in everywhere, but also not really anywhere. In a way they’ll have a clean slate. They can define themselves. Citizens of planet Earth. It won’t be all perfectly “normal,” and there will be challenges, but hopefully we can all face them and grow together.

For sure we’ll try to teach them Turkish, and maybe we can find a way to all learn Spanish together, too. (Ahmed and I have tried before, but we didn’t like Rosetta Stone.) Advanced Arabic (and Punjabi) may be beyond us, at least for a while, but I can teach them what Arabic I know.

Oh yeah, and I don’t know to what extent she was serious, but the new egg donor said her dream as a teenager was to be a professional soccer player and play in the Women’s World Cup. I don’t know if that was a daydream or something approaching a possibility, but it’s a nice touch. She also says she was good at math.

Anyway, long story short, my husband wants to go for it. Other than, ya know, ethnicity and personality (and age), the two egg donors really aren’t that different. And the donor coordinator said the new one has a similar facial structure to mine, and my coordinator says she feels good about it. As far as her family’s history of obesity and type II diabetes, if we eat healthy foods and keep active it should probably be OK.

Hell, like everyone says (including me), it’s such a crap shoot either way. There’s just no way to know in advance what the right choice is. Might as well take the path of least resistance, eh?

I just hope this is the last jarring shock. But no, I’m not going to hope that. I’m not going to hope anything. I’m just going to keep taking it one step at a time, and try to dispense with expectations as much as I can. They seem to cause a lot of psychological distress.

EDIT: One interesting thing is that there were two other recipients signed up to our original profile, and both of them accepted the new egg donor as well. I wonder what other kind of people don’t mind whether their child is half Arab/Turkish or half Mexican. They apparently aren’t signed up in any of the usual forums or groups, so I haven’t been able to get in touch with them. Maybe they don’t want to be in touch.

But I admit, I’m intrigued, and I’ve always hoped to be in touch with any genetic siblings out there, in case that kind of thing ends up being important to our kids. I really hope we can find a way to connect.

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8 thoughts on “Que Sera Sera

  1. I’m sorry that the other donor pulled out in the end. That must have been really disappointing. I wish you would be able to catch a break! Although good at maths and football doesn’t sound so bad 🙂 It’s a good idea to just take it all one step at a time now. I’m reminded of the whole nature/nurture debate. The main thing is that your future children will be loved. The DNA shouldn’t matter so much in the end.

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    1. I feel bad saying this, but one of the things that gives me pause is the fact that her favorite book, as reported in her profile, is Fifty Shades of Grey. I read this book after it became such an insane bestseller just to see what the fuss was about. It may literally be the worst book ever written. As a writer, it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard times a million. As a woman, too. Obsessively controlling behavior and emotional abuse are not sexy. (And I can enjoy a good trashy book now and then, but as for actual sexy scenes, they were few and far between and desperately repetitive, too.)

      Anyway… I guess literary tastes aren’t hereditary, lol. We can raise our kids on the good stuff 😉

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      1. I had a good chuckle at this. It would give me pause as well. I read it because my girlfriends were talking about it and I didn’t want to be left out. The book is infuriating. Definitely the worst book I’ve read. Hahaha.

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  2. haha to the 50 shades comments! I read it to see what the fuss was all about after some girlfriends recommended it and I ended up really starting to worry about why they were so ok with reading about an abusive relationship! To them it seemed romantic?!

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    1. Man, we’re like fifty shades of shade up in here! 😛

      But yeah, it’s messed up, for so many reasons, that that book was so popular. Twilight wasn’t quite as bad, but similar deal. (They are like candy to read, but afterwards you feel like you ate twelve rolls of SweeTarts by yourself.)

      I really wish there were more books out there that were fun to read, but also wise and edifying. (Like strawberries — nature’s SweeTart.) Seems all too often to be either / or.

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