In a Handbasket

It’s almost comedic at this point how everything that can possibly go wrong does go wrong.

Our perfect egg donor backed out completely after forcing the people assigned to her profile to delay for 9 days. Now she needs to “get some things together” before deciding whether to donate, and the clinic probably won’t let her donate at all due to her being unreliable.

By coincidence, another egg donor was donating on the same timeline for another (non-time-sensitive) program, and they’re trying to switch her in as our new egg donor. Two other recipients were assigned to my profile, and if we and the other two recipients agree, we’ll continue as scheduled with a different egg donor, same sperm donor.

The new egg donor is older (31), shorter (5’0″), and heavier (BMI 28). She’s Hispanic, which is fine in and of itself — it’s just not remotely Turkish, which I had really hoped for. I feel like the children I envisioned and imagined all these weeks just evaporated in front of my eyes.

Getting thrown back into the waiting pool feels awful (it could be months before we’re offered another decent profile), but this profile isn’t what I signed up for. (I know, I know — things happen, you have to be flexible. Still sucks every time the rug gets pulled out from under you.)

Sigh. What can we do? We’ll have to make a tough decision and then keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Seriously. Does this ever end?


5 thoughts on “In a Handbasket

  1. Geeeez! Sorry you’re going through this. I know for me so far it never helped to rush things, and in the grand scheme of things two or three months seemed like an eternity when in reality it was just a blip on the radar of the two years we’ve been trying. It’s hard not to assign meaning to everything. Sometimes it seems impossible to not let the impatience take over. I don’t have advice or suggestions but wish you luck during this roller coaster.


    1. Thanks. Sending you hugs as well. I know you haven’t been having an easy time, either. 😦

      I just never imagined this would take five years. (If we get pregnant next month, we’ll have our bab(ies) just a couple months short of our five year anniversary of trying to conceive. It could, of course, take much longer than that, or just never happen.) I can’t even describe how exhausted I feel. Constantly at the edge of tolerance. So at this point every setback and delay feels horrible — like this is just never going to end. I’m going to be stuck on this tightrope until I die alone. (Dramatic much? I know, I know. But it’s hard to control how I feel.)

      Guess I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it, but sometimes I wish I could just curl up with a big fluffy panda bear and be as innocent as a child for a while.


  2. Ughhhhhhhhhhh this better be that final up down segment of the f’ing roller coaster that makes landing into safety that much sweeter. I know you will make the right decision here because the one you do leads you to your ‘meant to be’ whatever that looks like. You can’t really get this wrong as long as you follow your gut in my opinion. I fought for one donor so hard and when I didn’t get her I was crushed but somehow the next one felt even better. I’m so sorry you keep getting handed these damn detours.


    1. I have to be honest — this profile seems totally random. No angels singing, no feeling of “meant to be.” (As a writer, I look for those things — for better or worse.) It just kind of dropped into our laps. I have no feeling about it other than “It’s not the one I signed up for, but it’s a profile.”

      I guess sometimes the universe is more random — or inscrutable — than I like to think. I guess I read too much, which causes me to look for meaning and symbolism where there may be none. Or maybe I’m making the completely wrong choice here.

      I’m just so tired of having to make these impossible choices with no idea whatsoever whether I’m doing the right thing. So far I’ve only done the wrong thing, apparently, so it makes me terrified to make any decision.

      It doesn’t seem right to feel “ground down” into making this choice. But I guess sometimes life is just like that.

      Here’s hoping. I’ve been living on fumes of hope for so long. I’m so tired.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get it. You just want off the damn IF train. The sooner the better so you can live your life. I have no doubt the child you have will feel like he or she was meant for you all along.


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