Got an Embryo Profile (yay!) but…

You all know how excited we are to move forward, but we are really torn about the profile we got today. It has a lot to recommend it. The coloring is right (more or less — two half-Mexican donors), health history is great, both like soccer, the egg donor is crazy about her own kids (and graduated from high school a year early), and the sperm donor loves to backpack and travel. Both are proven donors — she has three kids and his product has resulted in at least one live birth.

She’s tiny — 5’2″ — and he’s only an inch taller than me at 5’7″. My husband is 6’1″. But that’s fine with both of us. Height isn’t that important. (Lionel Messi is 5’7″, and so is Gael Garcia Bernal.)

But it doesn’t really “speak” to us. They’re both about 24 and neither really did college (yet), and a lot of their answers are brief, generic, like they didn’t put much thought into it. (I imagine myself as a donor filling the form out so carefully, knowing what a huge deal it will be for someone, how comforting it might be for them to know a little about me.)

My husband says his instinct is to pass. He just doesn’t “click” with it. Our previous profile gave us a much better sense of the donors, and he liked their answers / vibe / personality much better.

I’m not totally stuck on this profile, but there’s no guarantee the next one will be any improvement, or even when we might get the next one. This may be our high water mark for a while.

And of course, it’s always such a lottery anyway… DNA is a very unpredictable thing.

And this is not a deciding factor at all, but just a fact: If I take this profile, I’ll miss the Roger Waters concert on our fourth wedding anniversary. Though I suppose it’ll be even more memorable to get knocked up on that date…

It’s such a HUGE decision, it can be overwhelming and hard to find the right perspective. Whether to be choosy for the sake of our kids or “take the money and run.”

I’m really torn. Should I struggle to convince him, or just go with his instinct (and go see Roger Waters)?

How the hell are we supposed to choose who our future children are going to be on a random Tuesday night? (We only have 24 hours to decide… no pressure or anything…) Not to mention, they might not end up being children at all. I might just be choosing another heartbreaking miscarriage.

Last time it was easier somehow. We just jumped into it. And it didn’t work out. This time we’re both kind of skittish and freaked out. It’s something you can’t really process. We just have to either make the leap (as nearly everyone who’s gone through the program is advising us on Facebook) or go with our gut and hang back. I have no idea how to decide.

EDIT: In the end I came around to it, even though there is a part of me that wants to hang back. There’s no logical reason for it, it’s just an instinct. But my husband didn’t feel right, and I certainly don’t want to drag him into something he doesn’t feel right about. So, for better or worse, we’re back on the waiting list.

For the record, these are our requests (not REQUIREMENTS, just guidelines / druthers): Donors with normal / average health histories, normal BMI (this can affect egg quality), average or tall height (at least one), and Mediterranean / olive / Hispanic features (at least one). Some aptitude for math or science would be a bonus but no big deal. And of course more nebulous things like feeling some tiny kindred spark with at least one donor is taken into account but not any kind of deal breaker.

Pointedly, it seems, my coordonator emailed back warning it would likely take one to three months — or more — before we get another.

I’ve heard horror stories of people waiting six months or more.

Hoping for the best but feeling a bit downhearted. But also a little bit cautiously hopeful. Like maybe we’ll have to wait a few more months, but then it will feel right and it might finally go right.

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14 thoughts on “Got an Embryo Profile (yay!) but…

  1. Ugh so tough. I personally would just want to get the process going but I think validating your husband’s concerns/ gut is pretty vital. You don’t want him going into it with lingering doubt. Sorry not a lot of help here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True. You just never know what’s going to happen. Maybe this is his instict that will somehow save me from another miscarriage? Or maybe this is just skittishness and we should step up and get going…

      There’s no way to know. It’s like the most high-stakes game of poker in the world. Hold or fold?

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  2. Whether your child loves soccer or traveling or is interested in pursuing a college degree has less to do with the genetics and more about his/her own personality and intellect combined with how you raise him/her.

    It’s awful that you have to make the decision so quickly and don’t really have time to process, but maybe it’s also a blessing in disguise since it doesn’t allow time to over-analyze. It’s a huge decision and you definitely don’t want to have to talk anyone into it but it’s impossible to know whether the next one or the one after that will really click either. I would consider each profile in a bubble regardless of what came before or what may come after, which may remove some considerations and help with the decision.

    It’s a really tough call and I wish you luck and success with however you decide to move forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. In the end I came around to it, even though there is a part of me that wants to hang back. There’s no logical reason for it, it’s just an instinct. But my husband just didn’t feel right, and the last thing I want to do is drag him into something he doesn’t feel right about. So, for better or worse, we’re back on the waiting list.

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    2. By the way, congrats! I clicked over to your page and tried to leave this comment, but it didn’t seem to work. Anyway, here it is 🙂

      Aaah, I am so thrilled for you! So glad to click over and see this! Mazel tov, and may all the blessings come your way over the next eight months. (You’ve already got a month under your belt.) Smiles and hugs!

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  3. I’d say you did the right thing. There will always be some issue like height but if it feels right it feels right, issue or not. Secondary infertility deepened my faith and I really thought God was leading us with choosing our donors. It can be very comforting. I made a list of the “signs”, like their names, where they live…all were linked to us in funny ways. Plus their children and remaining embryos were conceived/created on possibly the same exact day and year our daughter was conceived, talk about a sign. When you know you know. Or, you’ll be ready to jump in even with doubts. People who adopt and do embryo donation are SO BRAVE, leaping into the unknown, I think. Keep going!

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  4. when it came to choosing donors, I couldn’t have done it without my “signs” from God, but the decision doesn’t really make your future children. (You said something about choosing your future children on a Tuesday night, no pressure, ha!) How do I say…every day of pregnancy, the birth, and every difficult and amazing day of loving and teaching them afterward is what makes your children. But you have to start feeling like it’s the right thing, for sure.

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    1. Yes, of course genetics alone don’t “make” a child — perhaps I was too glib. They are a very important starting point, however! And I think of them maybe one day wanting to meet their donors, and it just seems like such a heady decision… with nothing to go on other than instinct, really!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think you were glib, of course you felt that way. It is so hard to make these decisions which is why you must simply follow your instinct or look for signs from God or pray or however you want to put ot

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  5. Plus I just imagine being a donor myself and putting so much thought into my profile, knowing what a huge deal it may be for some people. It’s hard for me to relate to people who just rush through it like it’s no big deal, or who seem to have nothing to say… Our previous egg donor really gave us a sense of herself, and I really appreciated that! She was someone I would have liked to meet.

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    1. Yes, we felt a connection with our donors, if you do some form of open donation you are choosing the donors as much as the embryo match. They are people who will love your child too even if you never meet them. More people to love your child is how I see it

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  6. For the record, here’s our wish list:

    1. Healthy donors

    2. Normal-ish health history (we aren’t even that picky)

    3. Call me crazy, but I find it very comforting if there’s at least some little kindred spark with at least one of the donors

    4. Average height or taller (at least one donor — not super important, but nice to match husband)

    5. Mediterranean features (at least one donor — not super important, but nice to match husband)

    Doesn’t strike me as overly outlandish. So far we haven’t gotten a profile that fulfills even our top three. Our latest profile met only one out of five!

    I talked with another coordinator, and she seems to think it will be a long process to find a donor that’s anything close to a match. (I told her we don’t expect all five, just hopefully maybe three or four.) Ahmed is fine waiting a few more months, so I guess I am, too.

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  7. I can only imagine how difficult and strange it must be trying to make a decision like that, especially with only 24 hours to think about it! If in doubt, go with your gut sense I’d say. If your husband didn’t have a good feeling about this one and is prepared to wait then that sounds like the way to go. I can imagine it’s frustrating having to wait though. Hopefully a great match will come up sooner rather than later! I can understand wanting to feel some sort of connection to the egg donor, like they are someone you would get on with in real life

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