Alas…

I still have a mild panic attack every time someone posts on a forum about finding a strong heartbeat or two at seven weeks. Every seven-week ultrasound I’ve ever had (two so far) has been crushing news. One was a malformed sac (after I already lost the first twin as a blighted ovum). The other was a big beautiful sac without the right stuff in it — another blighted ovum.

That’s my entire history of pregnancy over the past four years.

Breathe. Breathe.

Maybe some day it won’t be like that. But God knows one thing I’ll never know in my life is a carefree pregnancy. Even if I ever do see two lines again, I’m going to be a wreck.

Breathe. Breathe.

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5 thoughts on “Alas…

  1. I’m reading a great book that my naturopath recommended (and gave) to me. It’s called “Stick it to me baby! Inserting spirit into the science of infertility.” It’s written by Danica Thorberry, an acupuncturist who shared her own experience as well as those from her clients. It is really well written and definitely speaks to my own journey. I thought you may find it interesting too.

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  2. When you get an established pregnancy going you will be so strong from all this you will be able to handle the PTSD that is totally normal after failed IVF. Post infertility PTSD is real. Repeated bad news from the doctors does something to you and you can’t react normally.

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    1. I just honestly don’t believe it’s ever going to happen right now. It seems impossible. I’ll keep on trucking, but it’s horrifying to think of trying even one more time, much less more than that. It feels like I’ll just never, ever get anything but bad news.

      Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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      1. Go through the motions. Feeling like it won’t ever happen won’t keep it from happening. Negative thoughts don’t produce the negative IVF result. Just do another transfer, go through the motions, do what you have to do and think what you want, it’s normal…you’re gearing yourself for more bad news like we do every time. Protecting your feelings

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