Well, Crap

Turns out it was pointless to get my beta drawn today, because I was just informed the earliest I can possibly transfer will be in May because they are moving the clinic in April from Davis to Sacramento [EDIT: not San Diego, sorry, brain fart!] and they’ve already matched everyone up between now and the move. That would have been nice to know before I wasted my time and money.

So, no 2017 baby for me. And here I had my hopes all up since my cycle started early.

Joke’s on me.

Every year — every damn six months, actually — I think, “This is the rec soccer season when I’ll finally be sitting out, cheering my team from the sidelines, watching my belly grow. This is the spring / fall when I’ll have to give up soccer, but something truly magical will happen.”

And each season, I just end up playing soccer again.

It’s fun.

But it ain’t a baby.

I know one more delay doesn’t seem like it should be that big a deal in the scheme of things. But 2017 was always my “worst case scenario” year. Seventeen is my lucky number, so I always thought, “If this bullshit takes four years — as if that will happen! — at least I’ll give birth in my lucky number year. That’ll be kinda cool.”

And now I’ve even been robbed of that. It just feels like this is never going to end. Seriously, at this point it seems like something magical, something fantastical. People don’t really grow babies in their bellies, do they? It’s just a story they tell, like Santa Claus. I’m chasing a chimera.

It’s like if Charlie Brown finally figured out that Lucy was always going to pull the football out from under him every single time, and yet he had no choice but to keep going for that football.

And I was doing so good there for a while there, too.

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10 thoughts on “Well, Crap

  1. Ughh so sorry. I find the delays one of the hardest parts of it all. Can you plan to do something that either a. You couldn’t do if you were transferring in april or b. You feel like gets you in better shape for a transfer (new supplement, acupuncture etc? The only things that kept me sane during delays was either fun or focusing on still doing something to help my chances. Xo

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    1. I’ve been doing that for four years.

      So. Tired.

      We can’t afford to travel or anything (can barely afford to live right now). I’ll just sign up for yet another season of rec soccer. It’s really fun, but as I said above, it ain’t a baby.

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      1. You are right. These early day ‘solutions’ lose their luster. Just thinking of you as you somehow pass the time. It sucks so bad.

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  2. So sorry you’re going through this. It really sucks. The wait sucks, the not knowing sucks, the delays suck. Even though baby may not be born in 2017, I hope the pregnancy for your miracle rainbow baby is just around the corner.

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  3. I’m so sorry. It’s just so defeating sometimes. The passage of time is definitely one of the hardest parts of the whole thing. A little time away could be nice, to help distract. Whatever your favorite thing is, do that 😉

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    1. Thanks. I’ve been glumly doing my “favorite things” (playing soccer, writing my novel, taking ballet classes, cooking) for four years. I’m bloody tired of my “favorite things.” They’ve just become constant reminders that I don’t have what I really want.

      I’ll shake out of it, I’m just really down today after getting all excited that things were going to be moving soon, only to have the door slammed in my face again.

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      1. So sorry to hear this crappy news! I agree with what people posted here about the waiting yet another month, year, etc is a very hard part about this journey. We started in earnest 3 years ago, and I’m turning 42 in a month. My heart constricts sometimes when I think about it.

        The time I have taken between the last transfer (October) and the next (June) has been invaluable for me, though. I am starting to feel strong again and feel like I am capable. Whatever you need to do in these few months to fill your soul, I encourage you to do it!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I hear you. Then just be where you are. Sometimes all I can do is crawl into a hole…the hole being my bed. And just stay there until I feel like I can face the world again.

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  4. I rage on the internet instead of crawling into a hole. At least for now. (And I appreciate the empathy!)

    But man. After a while, certain rituals like cracking open a bottle of wine when you get your period yet again just become sad.

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