I Miss my Bionic Nose

Now I have to go physically check to see if there’s poo in the cat’s litter box. I used to be able to smell it as it was exiting his bum. And I had a semi-good excuse to holler at my husband to take care of it. 😉

My boobs are still sore, though. What’s up with that?

I detected an LH surge this morning, on day 17 after the loss. Not a bad delay, if the cycle goes smoothly from here. There’s still hope for an April transfer if my beta goes down soon, if I get a match quick, and if they can schedule me in despite the entire clinic moving office in April (to Sacramento, which is much handier for out-of-town patients). A lot of ifs.

(And if it did work, we’d end up with a Christmas-ish baby, and I’ve always hated my January birthday, so… Sorry, kid(s), if that ends up being the case.)

In other news, I had two ballet classes left on my punch card when it was time to transfer my embryos, and I gave up the classes for lost because my super-careful ass didn’t want to blame myself if I had a miscarriage.

Well, I had a miscarriage anyway, and then I finally went back to ballet class. Lo and behold there was a new student in the class who looked about twelve who was making jokes about her cute little baby bump and how she’s doing “baby ballet” and stuff.

Ugh. I know nobody means to rub it in our faces but… ugh.

Just kinda rolled my eyes and sighed and got on with it. But… yeah. You can’t really tell more fortunate people to shut the hell up about it. I’m happy for them, honestly.

But… yeah.

Of course, if my “journey” had been a few nights of hot lovin’ instead of four years of hell (and counting), I might have been like that, too.

A part of me is just a little bit glad I’ll never be that insufferably smug. 😛

We played some good soccer this weekend as well, though if I run too much I start feeling like our asthmatic cat. It takes a lot for me to get in decent cardiovascular shape, and just a few months to lose it. Any tips are always appreciated.

I’m working on my own novel and editing another guy’s novel to help pay all these bills. His novel is a fun one, a thriller about a female president dealing with Israel going to war with Iran. Right in my wheelhouse. It’s the first time I’ve professionally edited a novel (so far I’ve mostly done memoirs, dissertations, and ad copy), but I feel really comfortable, like I’m doing something I’m meant to do. It’s not easy to keep hundreds of pages in your head at once, to see that big picture and know what needs to be done, and I don’t know where I got that particular talent, but it’s good to feel mastery in what you do. Especially when you feel like such a blundering failure in another important area of your life. Hoping to parlay it into more steady work one of these years.

I’ve been holding off on getting any kind of 9-5 for four damn years thinking I’d be pregnant any time (and also having to travel frequently for treatment), which has frustratingly added to our financial stress. I’ve also been working on my novel but — real talk — probably spending even more time obsessively researching everything about our medical issue to the point where I could write a dissertation on it by now. My God it’s a vast subject, and what we don’t know is even vaster than what we do. And all the research clearly hasn’t helped us. Sometimes I wonder if we’d be pregnant by now if I’d just let it all go and blindly listened to the doctors. But I don’t seem to work like that. (Of course, my research led us to CC, so maybe it’s not all bad.)

My husband is also doing great at his new job, earning high praise, and in a few years he’ll no doubt have his pick of places to work in web development. He’s self-taught as well (and making a heck of a lot more money than I am), and I’m really proud of him.

All in all our financial situation isn’t as dire as I had feared (though not nearly as good as it could / should be), and of course there will be yet more bills for our next cycle. And for giving birth if we’re lucky enough to do that. (In the unlikely event we give birth this year, we have a manageable out-of-pocket max via the ACA. Next year? Who knows? Maybe I’ll just give birth in the bath tub…)

But just trying to take it a day at a time. Hopefully this is our tough year and things will look up from here.

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5 thoughts on “I Miss my Bionic Nose

  1. I would eagerly await a novel you wrote. It sounds like you are holding it all together and hopefully this cycle gets you in time for a cycle soon. Ugh to that lady in ballet class- sounds like the type where the world revolves around her. Although- I agree if it had been easy maybe I would have been one of those. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really can’t blame that young lady in the ballet class. I remember being all aflutter when we were first trying, and if it had happened, even within a year, I’m sure I would have been giddy. It’s totally on me in this scenario — totally my job to grow up and be happy for her. It’s not her fault other people don’t have it so easy.

      But there are little parts of me that aren’t quite that grown-up yet…

      My first book, a memoir, was published in 2013. I’ll be glad to send you a copy!

      Here’s the link, if you want to read a little more about it:

      Liked by 1 person

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