Hurry Up and Wait

UPDATE: Skip this one if you want, I’m just grasping at straws, in denial and sick of having no control over anything, my body, my plans, my finances, any damn thing. I’ll do as the doctors say and let another due date (would have been September 23, such a nice time of year) crumble into the wind and just… wait. And hope. Same damn thing I’ve been doing for four years. So sick of “holding my chin up.” So sick of all of this. I thought we were seven and a half months from a baby. I thought we were going to be able to escape going into debt by the skin of our teeth. Now it’s all up in the air again. And it just sucks. Trying to put on my “big girl pants” and deal with it, but not doing a great job at the moment. Blah.

They want me to wait for my next period to start birth control pills and start this whole process over again. I asked why we needed to wait instead of just start BCPs now, and they gave no satisfactory answers. They said it was to make sure “something else wasn’t going on,” like I wasn’t going into menopause or something.

Um… I’m 37. And even if I were going into menopause, what does it matter? I’m on drugs / simulated cycles anyway.

They said it was also to make sure all the products of conception were expelled, but doesn’t the lowering hCG show that? (Actually, I looked it up. Sometimes things can be retained even though hCG is zero, though it’s rarer with a natural miscarriage. But I don’t see what that has to do with taking BCPs or not?)

I’m just frustrated. Champing at the bit. If my next period is EXACTLY on time, and I get a match more or less as soon as I’m back on the list, then there’s still hope of having a baby or two in 2017 (when I know I’ll still have decent insurance).

But if my cycle is delayed OR matching is delayed, then… not so much.

And I wonder if there’s really a good reason to keep me in limbo like this, or if it’s just a cookie-cutter approach. Maybe they just want me to wait a few weeks, and this is as good a way to say “a few weeks” as any.

I’m contemplating going on BCPs on the sly and just telling them in four weeks that my period has started. I just don’t see the point in waiting for my ovaries to kick-start themselves again, only to shut them down again when we start the next cycle (with BCPs, Lupron, and estrogen).

On the other hand, it does seem like it would be nice to have a month “off” from drugs and just let my poor body be. Maybe it does need time to calm down and regulate itself.

But can’t it more or less do that while I’m on BCPs? And it’ll take the stress off my natural hormonal system, which otherwise will probably spazz out with the sudden terrible freedom, and God knows what it might get up to. What’s the point of waiting six weeks or more for a period?

I was always someone who, as a kid, needed to know why the rules were in place. “Because I said so” was never good enough for me then, and it’s not very satisfactory now, either. Doctors can be wrong. (Believe me.) Or just take lazy, generic approaches when a more individualized one might be better.

So I would like to just trust them. But I don’t seem to work that way.

So I’m not sure what to do. The thought of just waiting it out is pretty exhausting. I really wish I knew if there was a *good* reason to do it, because so far they haven’t given me one.

And just in general, the idea of growing a human in my belly and getting a baby at the end is starting to seem like some kind of bizarre science fiction, not a real thing that really happens. I’m so psyched out by now there are moments when I’m not sure I believe in it. Maybe it’s some elaborate practical joke, something people invented to make me feel bad about myself for not being able to do it.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in this limbo forever, this dark hole, and every time I seem to be close to clawing my way out…

It feels, again, like I’m all the way back at zero. I know I’m not. I have five more tries, right? But how do I know any of those are going to work? How can I keep doing this? How can I hurt my husband with bad news even one more time?

And how can I just sit around for 4-8 weeks with my thumb up my butt waiting to see what my somnambulant reproductive system decides to do when suddenly jarred awake by a withdrawal of drugs?

I’d run a marathon to get to this goal, I’d fight horses, I’d dig holes with my bare fingernails. And all I can do is sit around and hope my ovaries yawn and stretch and spit one out in a timely fashion — one we are not going to use anyway?

If BCPs can spare me from that, why not?

I wish I knew.

EDIT: Sorry for all the spinning out lately. It’s good for me to vent this stuff, put it out in the universe to get it out of my head. They say sunlight is the best disinfectant. Thanks for bearing with it all. Hopefully next time (always next time…) it’ll finally not be hopelessly sad.

I’ll probably just stay off drugs for the next month (or so) (other than alcohol, that is) and hope my body kicks in like it’s supposed to and try not to get lost in doom and gloom worst-case-scenarios (though things have gone so consistently wrong for so long, it’s really hard not to).

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9 thoughts on “Hurry Up and Wait

  1. You never need to apologize for venting in my opinion. You are so entitled to it. I know you will get back to that place of cautious hope but in the meantime just get out what you need, drink some alcohol and know we are here for you.

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  2. Ditto what mamajo said! Enjoy your body for all the things it can do, including natural miscarriage and getting back into the rhythm.

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  3. I’ve been told that they wait for a period to have everything “reset,” whatever that means. For me, I like having the opportunity to let everything flush out. It used to bother me immensely about the supposed wasted time, but now I try to see it as part of the protocol. It helps keep the timing panic at bay, and it doesn’t hurt to feel fabulous on no hormones while enjoying sushi and wine. The breaks also help us refresh and recharge, gearing up for the next cycle.

    You know your body best, so you should always advocate on your behalf. That said, doing side medicine “on the sly” may end up doing more harm than good, mainly because they’re basing your protocol on the assumption that you’re following orders. If you’re not satisfied with the doctor’s reasoning, would you consider finding someone who explains it more?

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    1. It’s all good, I was just in denial, frantically looking for something I could control. Haven’t I learned by now that control is an illusion?

      All the luck on your current cycle, by the way! xxx

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  4. I understand your frustration with not understanding why they are doing this protocol. I think you will feel better if you just ask your doctor about it. I’m guessing they are doing what will give you the best outcome in the future, even if it just feels like more punishment. I’m an obedient rule follower and tend to just implode privately, but from my own experience, asking for an answer will make you feel a little better!

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  5. Thanks for the suggestions. I have asked, repeatedly, for the doctor’s reasoning. As I said above, I wasn’t very satisfied with the answers.

    I don’t have direct access to the doctor, by the way, not at this clinic, except for my initial phone consultation and during actual procedures. It’s affordable in part because it’s not nearly as personalized or responsive as the much more expensive clinics. I have to go through my coordinator, which means I have to ask her, and she has to ask the doctor (when he’s available) and relay it back to me (when she’s available). It’s time-consuming and frustrating, and it feels like some things get lost in translation. And I can’t exactly say, “Can you ask the doctor if he’s just taking a lazy, generic approach?” I’ve tried numerous times to get answers short of asking that. This was all I could get out of them.

    I’m on the CC Facebook group, thank goodness, and they are very supportive and understanding of the frustrations (and hopefully joys) of dealing with this place. It’s the last stop for most of us, scraping the bottom of what we can possibly afford before giving up entirely on our bodies, and we’re all jaded and impatient, and all trying to keep each other relatively sane.

    Anyway, I probably will go ahead and do as they say and hope for the best. It’s just feels awful. We were so close — I thought we were seven and a half months from a baby, and just on the edge of not having to go into debt. Life was finally sort of a little bit under control. Now it’s back to God only knows how long, and God only knows how much it will cost.

    I think I’m just in denial, sick of having no control over any damn thing, and heartsick.

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  6. “And just in general, the idea of growing a human in my belly and getting a baby at the end is starting to seem like some kind of bizarre science fiction”
    So true! When you are in the thick of it so hard to see big picture and just be rational. Go with your instinct but maybe try waiting like they said. And I think possible if your pregnant “episode” started in 2017 your insurance has to complete it even into 2018? You could call and ask. Pregnant women too lose perspective while waiting for the birth so this is good prep for that. What I mean is, at least I when pregnant obessessrd over details like never ever being induced, forgetting the goal was a live healthy baby. Thankfully I chose induction so was rational in the end. Good luck!

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  7. It might be that only if your hospitalization goes from 2017-18 does insurance have to continue it despite new calendar year and cessation of coverage but I’d call and askthe insurance co. Or check their explanation of benefits

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