Probably stupid, but…

I took my progesterone again tonight. I’ve just seen too many stories of women who had one bad ultrasound, and then a week later everything was fine.

I know I shouldn’t go chasing Dr. Internet at times like these. But seriously. Dozens of stories of women being told they were miscarrying and offered an appointment for a D&C, and they declined and went on to have healthy babies. Hundreds. Enough that studies have been done on the birth defects of babies born after their mothers were given the pill to induce a miscarriage after the pregnancy was declared non-viable. It honestly seems irresponsible to be told to stop all meds after just one bad ultrasound this early.

What if the fetal pole was hiding behind the yolk sac? What if it was blending in with the uterine wall? What if it’s small for age and just needs time to catch up? What if he was viewing it end-on, so it looked like a dot? A woman I know said she’s talked with lots of ultrasound techs, and they marvel at “how amazing the growth rate is, and it’s not unusual for one week there to be nothing, and the next week boom, it’s there.”

Their words, not mine!

My RE has been at this for decades, so I feel a bit foolish questioning him. And I hate the thought of wasting even more time (and money) (and emotional energy) if this is hopeless. Which it probably is. Even if it keeps growing, it might not be healthy.

I guess I’ll talk to my RE tomorrow. He just seemed so damn certain. Certain enough to send nothing to California Conceptions except two words: “Non-viable pregnancy.” Not even a picture. Not even a description. CC didn’t even know there was a gestational sac and yolk sac, or what the size was. (He also didn’t tell me what the size was.)

If I wait another week, it’ll cost another $350 for an ultrasound, plus probably add an extra two weeks at least to the time when I can try again. The week of waiting plus at least another week to wait for my hormones to regulate afterwards. The higher they rise, the slower they fall.

And both clinics have told me, in no uncertain terms, to give up. Who the hell am I, in consultation with Dr. Anecdote, to question them? Maybe they are right and I’m just being ridiculous, grasping at straws.

Ugh. I’m so tired of being in limbo. Hopes raised and dashed. Killed and resurrected. I try to trust and then remember times I did trust and shouldn’t have.

I’m so tired.

I should go to bed.

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4 thoughts on “Probably stupid, but…

  1. I’ve just been catching up and I am really sorry to hear the bad news… Life is truly unfair sometimes. I know what you mean about not wanting to let people down either and feeling like your body is a failure. I’m really surprised to read that there are stories of women told to get D&Cs who refused and ended up having a baby! That is absolutely insane! Could you get another blood test done to check the HCG value – would that tell you anything? I really don’t know what to advise, whether you should get another ultraound done or not.. Sending you lots of strength and love!

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  2. I’m leaning toward giving up, to be honest. The biggest nightmare would be continuing the iffy pregnancy to the second trimester and then finding out it’s non-viable. Not only is that horrific in its own right, it would also forfeit my money-back guarantee at my clinic, which considers any pregnancy past 11 weeks a “success.”

    I’m kinda ready to just be done with this shit. Start fresh.

    The other nightmare is that I won’t have a baby until 2018, and I won’t have insurance then because the Republicans decided to take it away. In that case, maybe we’ll go to Turkey to have the baby or something. We joke about just having it in the bathtub. Not entirely un-seriously.

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  3. Hi Pamela – I have had 3 miscarriages using donated embryos. By the third transfer, I felt like “fuck it – it will work or it won’t.” Well, it didn’t. I also debated on continuing on, getting a second opinion, etc. Ultimately, I stopped taking my meds and let it miscarry naturally. One thing that I’m doing now is having an experienced healer do a pregnancy loss ceremony. It was so hard to have that many losses and no real closure. I’m hoping this (as well as other healing actions that I’m taking) will help me prepare for the next one. Sending a big hug, knowing that this time fucking sucks and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

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    1. Thanks, Heather. I’m so sorry you went through this three times. We went with California Conceptions because it has a crazy high success rate (around 90% with three tries, and I qualify to get my money back or three more tries free if I’m in that unlucky 10%). We were so hoping that, for ONCE in our lives, we’d be one of the lucky ones to have luck straight out of the gate. (About 2/3 of the people transferring around when I did are still pregnant.) Sometimes it just feels like bad luck is following us around, dogging us, cursing us. And my husband doesn’t deserve it! It just kills me to see him crumple every time. Four years of this is enough, isn’t it?

      I hope you find strength and healing moving forward. I feel like I need to make some big changes, too. I’ve spent enough time feeling like my life is on hold, feeling depressed and distracted. Something has to give. I hoped it would be the arrival of a couple of kicking babies. But I don’t control that. So yeah. Somehow I’m going to have to start the healing even before I’m where I want to be. While I’m still in this morass.

      Hugs.

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