Not Good News

My beta on Friday was 52, and it should double every 48-72 hours, which means that by Monday a robust pregnancy should have been 150 or so.

It’s only 91. That corresponds to a doubling time of almost 90 hours.

I’d guess there’s about an 85% chance this will be an early miscarriage.

A minority of babies just don’t follow textbook patterns. And it is possible that two implanted and one fell away, and that’s the reason for the janky numbers. But 52 wasn’t that high in the first place, so…

I’m feeling pretty defeated on this one.

The clinic called much earlier in the day this time (I was told they do that when it’s bad news), and they told me to keep taking medications and test again in 48 hours.

EDIT: Actually, for the doubling time to be 72 hours (which is also considered normal), the number only had to be 106. So I’m not insanely far off, and sometimes the numbers just do weird things and no one knows why. But I’m definitely well below average, and there’s definitely an excellent chance this will fade into nothing. But some chance it won’t. Nothing to do but wait and see, and keep jabbing my ass in the meantime.

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8 thoughts on “Not Good News

  1. I am so sorry you have to be in this moment and go through this. It is all just so hard and unfair. I hope your clinic can give you some answers and hope and direction for next cycle if this isn’t the one. Lots of love

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  2. While i despertly hope these numbers arr just an anomoly, i understand and appreciate your feelings (and fears) right now. I hope you don’t have to wait too long for answers, the wait is always the worst in my opinion. Lots of love.

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    1. I researched everything I could on slow rising HCG, especially when the start was only 42. I’m sure you know this, but the internet answers helped give me hope at times but never gave me answers. If anything, I became obsessed and in the end – the answer is what it is. Trust your body’s wisdom – it’s figuring it out.

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  3. I know. What will be will be. I’m just tired. And tired of (feeling like I’m) dragging my poor husband through it. For four years now. Our savings are all gone. We are dead broke. It’s so unfair. (Blah blah blah, crap happens, I know. Including much worse crap to much better people.)

    My birthday is this week. I hoped I’d have the best birthday present ever to offset the dread of the coming inauguration.

    I just feel tired. And my family and friends are all as exhausted by the subject as I am, and my constant bummer news, and I don’t want to bore them. So I’m just tired alone.

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  4. oh gosh, I can imagine you must be feeling really anxious wondering which way it is going to go. It reminds me a little of my first IVF when I had a low beta of 28 and was told to wait and see (they don’t do second betas here in Germany). It was even worse than the two week wait! I really hope that it was just one of the babies that didn’t make it and that the other one will be a fighter. Thinking of you!!

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  5. Thanks, all. Sorry for the pity party. I’ve just had to “pull myself up by my bootstraps” so many times now. Constantly having to “find my strength” (instead of just getting on with my life with the joy and love my husband and I long for so much)… I’m just feeling a bit ground down.

    Maybe this little one will be OK after all, though the chances are slim. Maybe the next one, though if this didn’t work, why would the next one? The odds reset every time, and every time we are on the wrong side of them.

    “Keep up hope, keep up hope, keep up hope…” Yes, yes, yes. For how long? It feels like my life has become nothing but “keeping up hope” in the face of constant failure. Maybe I’ll just try to feel nothing until there’s a baby in my arms. But that doesn’t really work, either.

    So tired of walking this tightrope in the fog. So tired of “soldiering on.” So tired of watching the years slip by. I guess there’s nothing else to do but keep digging as deep as I can. But my soul is so tired of being excavated. It just wants to rest in joy and love. In a basic (yet miraculous) thing most couples take for granted. I don’t want any more life lessons. I want a child.

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  6. Amen to that sister! I understand the exhaustion of the process and keeping up a “strong” facade… Thanks for sharing the ups and downs – and know you have peeps rooting for you!

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