I Can Breathe Again

Hey, thanks for bearing with me through a series of panic attacks. It really threw us to fail three IVFs and two FETs, with no end in sight, knowing the next thing(s) could easily fail too, and not knowing how much more failure we could take.

When I heard about California Conceptions, I felt like I could breathe again. A 90% success rate and a money-back guarantee? It’s the closest thing to a sure thing this planet has to offer right now. And the cost is high but not insane. And we’ll probably have at least one baby by the end of 2017.

(Oh God, the bottom dropped out of my stomach when I wrote that. I keep thinking, every year, “Surely we’ll have a baby by the end of next year…” But this time I might finally be right.)

Anyway, it’s the best chance we have. We could probably try IVF or egg donation a few times and get lucky. But it could easily put us deeply in debt, and we might still end up with no baby, and we’re just done with this horrible game of Russian Roulette.

So, bottom line, I’m not feeling as cornered and crazy, and I can think and feel and look forward again without feeling like the walls are closing in on me. It’s good to feel alive and human again.


I just talked to the doctor assigned to us at California Conceptions, and he answered all my questions brilliantly and just seems super nice. I feel like we’re in good hands.

I joined some discussion groups of couples who’ve gone through it (or are going through it), and they are so supportive. People have generally been through several wringers before ending up at California Conceptions, so they know. And still CC has a 90% success rate, and women are always showing off their twins, and the vibe isn’t “Oh, I’m jealous I don’t have that” but “Cool, that’s gonna be me soon!” It’s all very positive.

And it’s nice that the clinic is in the Bay Area, a place I know pretty well.

Of course, the idea of having no genetic link to our kid(s), and the anonymous nature of the donations, requires some thought and considerations. For me, oddly, I couldn’t care less about my own genetic contribution, but my husband is so sweet and handsome, it’d be really nice to see him in the kids. And will the kid(s) want to know more about the donors, and if so, will I be able to track that information down for them?

I asked some people on the forum about this, and they said they couldn’t even express how deeply they had imprinted on their children, and with epigenetics and everything else, kids have a tendency to look more like their parents (the parents who are raising them, that is, as opposed to the donors) than you might expect.

In any case, whatever a baby looks like, tiny humans are amazing. And the more deeply loved, wanted people on earth the better, right? Our kid(s) will be so loved they won’t even know what to do with all the love.

(Ha, I sound like Trump: “You are going to do so much winning, you’re going to get sick of winning!”)

As for any issues that may come up about genetics or the donors, I suppose we’ll just have to think and feel our way through it as it comes up. As deeply loved as our kids will be, and as honest as we’ll be about everything, I have a feeling it will be fine.

All in all I’m in a really good state of mind for the first time in a long time. It is such a breath of fresh air.

Just in time for winter so I can hunker down and finish my novel before things (hopefully) get exciting around here…


3 thoughts on “I Can Breathe Again

  1. So happy to read this! Your hope and positivity is seeping through. I am super interested in this process- I hope you blog about it a lot! Xo


  2. My husband and I are also doing embryo donation (at a Seattle fertility clinic). There was absolutely feelings and grief about not having our own genetics, yet relief to have this option in front of us. Thanks for your honest posts – wishing you the best of luck!


    1. Thanks, Heather. It’s a roller coaster for sure — and finally now I start to see a crack of light at the end of the tunnel. So excited to meet — and love — our kid(s). I’ve heard so many great stories I really believe it will be not just OK but wonderful. And I feel so lucky to have this option.

      Best of luck to you, too!


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